Oh hi.

Hey there, AF. Forgive me for not being all that excited to see you. You had me thinking for a hot second that you might not show. But you did. So here we go, Cycle #8.

The Plan:
I ordered this month's OPKs from a different site than I usually do- saveontests dot com. They look like the same tests that I usually get from early-pregnancy-tests dot com but cost a lot less and have better reviews on peeonastick dot com, though I'm not entirely sure why.
I also ordered a month's supply of FertileCM, which, if it's name isn't indication enough, is supposed to help the body's production of fertile CM as opposed to hostile CM (I hate this term, for the record). My train of thought was this: I have always gotten yeast infections much easier than most people and occasionally Husbear's semen can cause an itching, burning sensation in my ladyparts...which obviously makes things slightly uncomfortable. I spoke with my old OB (back in NYC) about this a long time ago because I was concerned that I had a semen allergy. She told me that I may have pH issues that makes my interior skin very sensitive, and I'm wondering if that could also mean my CM is too acidic for Husbear's swimmers, and that's what's taking so long. So, let's see if this stuff helps reduce the acidity!
I restocked on raspberry leaf tea as well...gonna try to remember to have at least a cup a day.

Okay AF. It's been about...5 minutes. You have officially outstayed your welcome. Bye bye now. What's that? YOU'RE STAYING FOR AT LEAST 5 DAYS?! This is baloney. Feel free to take a nice 9 month stay elsewhere after this stint in my Ute.

Late to the Party.

Okay. Where is AF?

I'm on CD29, which isn't anything monumental, except for the fact that I always have an LP of 14 days. Always. And I very clearly ovulated on CD13.
I went to bed the night before last with full AF cramps, so I took the Midol I mentioned yesterday and put on a liner, and woke up to nothing. I continued to see nothing, even when I ::ahem:: REALLY looked for it.
The cramps have since gone.
Normally I would consider this a tease, but my temps were in the basement the last two mornings, so surely she's coming.
But this morning, my temp went back up quite a bit (nothing spectacular, but back up over the coverline) and there is still no sign of AF.
So, what did I do, "just in case?" I took a test. BFN, of course. I also decided this month that BF does not stand for Big Fat in my head. It stands for Blast Fu..well, you know.
So come on, AF. You're late, and I'm trying to get Party #8 started! The sooner you come, the sooner you go, and then Husbear and I could get back to work! So come on. You don't get to be bearer of bad news and misery AND be late. That's just RUDE.

Something about Laughter and Best Medicine...

(this made me laugh so hard. also, it so totally won't/doesn't apply to us when we're pregnant, obviously.)

**you'll want to pause the music player at the bottom of my page before listening.**

domestiKatie's Gratefuls.

Ever since we moved from NYC to West Virginia, sleep has been eluding my grasp. I put off going to bed as long as possible so I'll be EXHAUSTED when I finally lay down in the darkness and silence and won't have to go listen to the endless negativity that loops through my mind the second my defenses are down.
After yesterday's emotional day, I was actually tired at a decent time so I joined Husbear in bed as he read, and was prepared to fall asleep almost immediately. Problem is, I took Midol right before crawling under the covers. What does Midol have? Caffeine. I panicked that I was in for another long night, and I have a job interview today and did not want to be a weary mess. Thankfully, I fell asleep pretty quickly but endured a night of fitful dreams. Every dream I had was a nightmare. The one I remember most vividly was the one about riding an elevator that suddenly went rogue and was plummeting towards the bottom of a skyscraper at record speeds, and I couldn't stop thinking "This is going to hurt so bad when we land. Oh my gosh this is going to hurt." And I woke up before we hit the ground. Yeah, that one was scary. I have a feeling that one was due to my powerlessness in our current situation.
ANYWAY.
I did find a way to get to sleep on the days I'm not lucky enough to drift off quickly, and it's one that gets better even if it's hours before sleep comes.
I list the ways in which I have been blessed. And when I'm jealous of others, I list the things in my life I wouldn't trade for anything in theirs. This works, because the longer I stay awake, the more grateful I become. The more secure I feel. The more I realize all the things I tend to take for granted. Just because I don't have every piece of the puzzle in place does not mean I don't have a beautiful life.
So, I'm going to make a grateful list here, and I challenge you to do the same.

domestiKatie's Gratefuls:
-a Husbear who dotes on me, respects me, and cherishes every moment with me. he chose to go to medical school so that he could give me my dream of staying home with our future family. he always does what is best for us. he makes dinner when i don't feel like it, even though he works all day and i do not. he loads the dishwasher when i don't feel like it even though he works all day and i do not. he almost never says no to me. he loves me madly, and i love him.
-a beautiful house that i have nested in thoroughly. all we wanted in nyc was a backyard, and when we got here we found a place with 3 bedrooms and a fenced in yard on a quiet street with sweet neighbors. this home suits us perfectly.
-a new town that has welcomed us with open arms. we have so many friends here already. our weekends are filled with family dinners and movie nights and outings to the pub. there are wives here who are going through what i'm going through, and students who call me for haircuts, and every single person we met has been warm and kind and overflowing with hospitality. our dance card is as full as our hearts.
-a family who would give their left AND right arms to help us. if ever there was anything we needed, our families would drop everything and be at our side, no matter what state we live in, no matter how long the flight or the drive. we have an excellent support system in place, and that is so rare these days.
-two hilarious dogs who worship the ground we walk on. they literally kiss our feet. endlessly. charlie sleeps between husbear and me, with his head on the pillow, his back snuggled into my tummy. he's my constant little spoon. have i mentioned he weighs near 70 pounds? steve sleeps at our feet, ready to protect us from the night. those dogs embody unconditional love.

See? I have a lot to be happy about. I'm going to try to meditate on those when my spirit is weak. I bet it does wonders for my achey soul.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job interview to get ready for. I was offered a part-time position at the beautiful clothing and home goods boutique in town. I swear, this place is tiny anthropologie. I am stoked. What am I going to wear?!

STATS:
-CD28, 15DPO
-Waiting on AF, due today.

Heart in the Clouds.

I was always the girl who was a little too tall, a little too loud, a little too "too."
I was always the girl who was called on in class, but I never knew what the teacher was talking about because my "head was in the clouds". Funny thing is, I've always loved being the girl with her head in the clouds. I found it to be a romantic notion, the idea of this silly girl with huge dreams and itchy fingers. Sure it got me into trouble, but I couldn't stop daydreaming and fantasizing about my future.
Well, here we are. it is the future, to 11 yr. old Katie.
Another thing about me: If I start a task, I will not eat or sleep or kiss my husband until it is complete*. I often find myself even holding my breath.
Well, for the last 7 months, I feel I've been holding my breath.
Husbear and I are trying to start a family, and we've found that it's not nearly as easy as my stupid Health teach made me think it would be. Sure, the "trying" is fun...but even that can get, well, trying.
So here we are, on the eve of our 8th cycle, and I figured I'd start a[nother] blog.
*The tasks mentioned above do NOT include blogging. I am a horrible blogger, but I do love to write. So I'm trying again, so maybe I'll have an outlet for all of the daydreams that fill my mind each day and night. Problem is, the idea of starting a family has become utterly consuming. Each negative test and spot of red is a dagger in my heart. Each flutter and pain in my belly is a sparkle of hope. Every tiny change my body experiences brings paralyzing confusion. Honestly? I need my head back. I have a husband to love and a home to run and a new town to explore and new friends to embrace. I need my head. I need it clear.
So instead of leaving my head in the clouds, I'm going to place my heart up there. I will remain positive and hopeful and optimistic, for the most part. I will let myself have a good cry when it hurts, and yell at the sky when it doesn't make sense, but ultimately I will remind myself that these hands were made to mother, that this heart was made to nurture, and most likely this body was made to grow life. And if later down the road we find out that it was not, that does not mean the first two aren't still true.
I have to stay positive. My heart is in the clouds, and there it will stay. I will have my family one day.

STATS:
-CD27, 14DPO
-Waiting on AF, due CD28 (BFN on 13DPO)