The Beaut Ute.

So.
I went to my appointment. My car is STILL in the shop, so I had to borrow a pal's car. I had to drive through two hours of 15mph switchback curves up and down mountains in the Jefferson National Forest to get there, and I thought I was going to die.
I didn't. But I was a whole half hour late and then when I got there, I couldn't find the key to bring inside with me. I called the car's owner, who FREAKED when she realized SHE STILL HAD THE KEY. Why wouldn't it turn off when she got out of the car?! WEIRD. So what did I have to do? Leave the car running. In the parking lot. The whole time. Terrifying, but hey...it was still there when I got out. WHEW.

ANYWAY.
The Doc brought me into his office and asked me a million questions about my history and my cycles and it was very awkward but very...therapeutic. He said based on that info, he has no doubt I'm ovulating regularly and my body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. The only thing he could imagine might be preventing pregnancy is the fact that I've had multiple surgeries in my pelvic area (but never on my reproductive organs themselves), and there could be some scar tissue blocking my tubes... but he really doesn't think that's the case.
So then he brought me into the sonogram room and down came the pants and up went the legs and he had to use this dildo-y looking tool that was very uncomfortable, but
the sonogram was so insanely cool. My uterus was proclaimed beautiful. He also showed me my ovaries, and I could see my eggies inside! Hi future babies!!
He then pointed out that my left ovary was right next to my uterus, perhaps attached, but my right was in the perfect spot. He said that could be due to scar tissue, like he mentioned before, but again he really didn't foresee it causing any problems, especially since it hasn't caused me any discomfort.
He gave me an order form to get an S/A for Husbear at the hospital here in town, and that's the next step.
If that's all good and we aren't pregnant in 3-4 months, he'll schedule me for the HSG (dye test) to check my tubes for scar tissue, but he's pretty confident that I won't need it.
I gotta say, I feel a million times lighter and brighter and more positive than ever before.

Husbear and I decided that he'll go in for the S/A next month IF he needs it, since we're smack dab in the middle of "my window" right now. Got my positive OPK tonight and gave him the "heads up" (literally, heheh) that he's on call tonight. Good thing I shaved my legs... Lucky bastard, that man.

Feel the Power.

Yesterday I was watching these videos:
http://www.increaseyourchances.org/#
-HILARIOUS, and they pretty much encapsulate every conversation or argument Husbear and I have had since starting TTC. I decided to actually look and see how close a fertility specialist was to us way out here in the sticks.
I saw that there was one about an hour and a half away, and started looking around on their website. They had a contact form, so I submitted an email just kind of stating that we've been actively trying for 8 months and nothing has happened yet, and we just moved here and don't have a doctor or an OB here or anything and we're feeling sort of lost and need some advice. Exhale.
The doctor wrote me an email back saying to call his assistant to set up an appointment with him to talk, and then his assistant called me.
She was AMAZING. She answered all of my questions thoroughly and was so sweet and helpful. And she told me that the doctor, who usually practices in Florida, comes to that office in Virginia once or twice a month, and he would love to consult with me THIS FRIDAY. I got all of the details and talked to my mother-in-law about what she thinks, and she said GO!
I had to talk it over with Husbear first, and his initial reaction was... not positive. He thinks it's too soon, (because it hasn't been a year yet, and in his mind we didn't "do it right" until the last couple months- uh, dude...were you present in health class? unless there's something he wasn't telling me, we were doing it RIGHT) and told me that he thinks the stress I put myself through every day is what's actually keeping us from getting pregnant. I cried, we yelled, it was bad. But he finally acknowledged that maybe if I saw a doctor, the stress would be eased and I would feel better.
He also called his brother, a doctor who just went through 2 years of ttc, and his brother said something along the lines of "Even if it is all in her head [SERIOUSLY GUYS, JUST SHUT UP.], that doesn't change the fact that she's still not pregnant. And she has billions of years of evolution occuring in her body right now- her body was made to have kids since the beginning of time. That is one trait that never went away- women want kids. You think we want kids badly, try being them- we'll NEVER understand how strongly they feel this. So let her go, if she think it will ease her mind." Husbear told me he hadn't ever looked at it that way, and it helped him try to understand. WHEW.
Husbear also said "You know, if my whole life I was afraid of having a heart attack, I wouldn't go to a cardiologist to make myself feel better." ....um, I would. That's when I said, "I love you honey, but I think you're the crazy one. That's the first place I'd go." Just goes to show how different we are, I guess.
I honestly think all I need is to hear from a doctor that everything is fine and it IS all in my head. And if it's not, then I'm one step closer to getting "it" fixed.
But when I gave a very basic rundown of my medical history and my extremely reliable cycles, he said most likely, if there is an issue, that it would be a very easy fix.
So, I go in for my consult on Friday- that includes a vaginal sonogram to check for cysts or polyps, and he'll give me an order form for an S/A for Husbear that he can use at the lab here in town (instead of driving all the way back to VA) to get tested.
I'm starting to feel a little less powerless, and that is a powerful feeling.

Checking In.

Not much to report on the TTC front, considering AF is still hanging around like a lost puppy. She does this. I hate it.

But I figured I'd fill you in on some things in our life.

1. I got the job! Yay! It's not much money, but it's a little something for me to do each day, and a nice discount on really cute clothes and home goods. Always a bonus!

2. Yesterday my darling Husbear turned 27. He had class all day, but while he was gone I decorated the dining room and went grocery shopping to make him a fantastic hearty meal, since he told me he'd rather I cook than have us go out to celebrate. HUGE compliment right there, in my opinion! So I made a huge pot of corn crab chowder, and it was amazing. Seriously, I'm not even going to pretend to be humble...it kicked some serious chowder ass. Complete with an ice cold hard cider, it was the perfect cozy fall meal. And easy, too! After dinner we went out for a celebratory drink with another couple her who we adore. The real party is tonight, though. I'm even touching up my roots for it.

3. Husbear is talking to his doc this week about an S/A, since it's a cheap and easy way to make sure everything is going alright. I'm sure he's fine, but it would feel good to have one possibility ruled out, or if the count is a little low then we can see what we need to do to raise it. Hopefully his doc helps us out- he's a firm believer in not doing ANYTHING for a year. ANNOYING.

That's all...hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful OCTOBER air! This is my favorite month of the year. <3

Oh hi.

Hey there, AF. Forgive me for not being all that excited to see you. You had me thinking for a hot second that you might not show. But you did. So here we go, Cycle #8.

The Plan:
I ordered this month's OPKs from a different site than I usually do- saveontests dot com. They look like the same tests that I usually get from early-pregnancy-tests dot com but cost a lot less and have better reviews on peeonastick dot com, though I'm not entirely sure why.
I also ordered a month's supply of FertileCM, which, if it's name isn't indication enough, is supposed to help the body's production of fertile CM as opposed to hostile CM (I hate this term, for the record). My train of thought was this: I have always gotten yeast infections much easier than most people and occasionally Husbear's semen can cause an itching, burning sensation in my ladyparts...which obviously makes things slightly uncomfortable. I spoke with my old OB (back in NYC) about this a long time ago because I was concerned that I had a semen allergy. She told me that I may have pH issues that makes my interior skin very sensitive, and I'm wondering if that could also mean my CM is too acidic for Husbear's swimmers, and that's what's taking so long. So, let's see if this stuff helps reduce the acidity!
I restocked on raspberry leaf tea as well...gonna try to remember to have at least a cup a day.

Okay AF. It's been about...5 minutes. You have officially outstayed your welcome. Bye bye now. What's that? YOU'RE STAYING FOR AT LEAST 5 DAYS?! This is baloney. Feel free to take a nice 9 month stay elsewhere after this stint in my Ute.

Late to the Party.

Okay. Where is AF?

I'm on CD29, which isn't anything monumental, except for the fact that I always have an LP of 14 days. Always. And I very clearly ovulated on CD13.
I went to bed the night before last with full AF cramps, so I took the Midol I mentioned yesterday and put on a liner, and woke up to nothing. I continued to see nothing, even when I ::ahem:: REALLY looked for it.
The cramps have since gone.
Normally I would consider this a tease, but my temps were in the basement the last two mornings, so surely she's coming.
But this morning, my temp went back up quite a bit (nothing spectacular, but back up over the coverline) and there is still no sign of AF.
So, what did I do, "just in case?" I took a test. BFN, of course. I also decided this month that BF does not stand for Big Fat in my head. It stands for Blast Fu..well, you know.
So come on, AF. You're late, and I'm trying to get Party #8 started! The sooner you come, the sooner you go, and then Husbear and I could get back to work! So come on. You don't get to be bearer of bad news and misery AND be late. That's just RUDE.

Something about Laughter and Best Medicine...

(this made me laugh so hard. also, it so totally won't/doesn't apply to us when we're pregnant, obviously.)

**you'll want to pause the music player at the bottom of my page before listening.**

domestiKatie's Gratefuls.

Ever since we moved from NYC to West Virginia, sleep has been eluding my grasp. I put off going to bed as long as possible so I'll be EXHAUSTED when I finally lay down in the darkness and silence and won't have to go listen to the endless negativity that loops through my mind the second my defenses are down.
After yesterday's emotional day, I was actually tired at a decent time so I joined Husbear in bed as he read, and was prepared to fall asleep almost immediately. Problem is, I took Midol right before crawling under the covers. What does Midol have? Caffeine. I panicked that I was in for another long night, and I have a job interview today and did not want to be a weary mess. Thankfully, I fell asleep pretty quickly but endured a night of fitful dreams. Every dream I had was a nightmare. The one I remember most vividly was the one about riding an elevator that suddenly went rogue and was plummeting towards the bottom of a skyscraper at record speeds, and I couldn't stop thinking "This is going to hurt so bad when we land. Oh my gosh this is going to hurt." And I woke up before we hit the ground. Yeah, that one was scary. I have a feeling that one was due to my powerlessness in our current situation.
ANYWAY.
I did find a way to get to sleep on the days I'm not lucky enough to drift off quickly, and it's one that gets better even if it's hours before sleep comes.
I list the ways in which I have been blessed. And when I'm jealous of others, I list the things in my life I wouldn't trade for anything in theirs. This works, because the longer I stay awake, the more grateful I become. The more secure I feel. The more I realize all the things I tend to take for granted. Just because I don't have every piece of the puzzle in place does not mean I don't have a beautiful life.
So, I'm going to make a grateful list here, and I challenge you to do the same.

domestiKatie's Gratefuls:
-a Husbear who dotes on me, respects me, and cherishes every moment with me. he chose to go to medical school so that he could give me my dream of staying home with our future family. he always does what is best for us. he makes dinner when i don't feel like it, even though he works all day and i do not. he loads the dishwasher when i don't feel like it even though he works all day and i do not. he almost never says no to me. he loves me madly, and i love him.
-a beautiful house that i have nested in thoroughly. all we wanted in nyc was a backyard, and when we got here we found a place with 3 bedrooms and a fenced in yard on a quiet street with sweet neighbors. this home suits us perfectly.
-a new town that has welcomed us with open arms. we have so many friends here already. our weekends are filled with family dinners and movie nights and outings to the pub. there are wives here who are going through what i'm going through, and students who call me for haircuts, and every single person we met has been warm and kind and overflowing with hospitality. our dance card is as full as our hearts.
-a family who would give their left AND right arms to help us. if ever there was anything we needed, our families would drop everything and be at our side, no matter what state we live in, no matter how long the flight or the drive. we have an excellent support system in place, and that is so rare these days.
-two hilarious dogs who worship the ground we walk on. they literally kiss our feet. endlessly. charlie sleeps between husbear and me, with his head on the pillow, his back snuggled into my tummy. he's my constant little spoon. have i mentioned he weighs near 70 pounds? steve sleeps at our feet, ready to protect us from the night. those dogs embody unconditional love.

See? I have a lot to be happy about. I'm going to try to meditate on those when my spirit is weak. I bet it does wonders for my achey soul.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a job interview to get ready for. I was offered a part-time position at the beautiful clothing and home goods boutique in town. I swear, this place is tiny anthropologie. I am stoked. What am I going to wear?!

STATS:
-CD28, 15DPO
-Waiting on AF, due today.

Heart in the Clouds.

I was always the girl who was a little too tall, a little too loud, a little too "too."
I was always the girl who was called on in class, but I never knew what the teacher was talking about because my "head was in the clouds". Funny thing is, I've always loved being the girl with her head in the clouds. I found it to be a romantic notion, the idea of this silly girl with huge dreams and itchy fingers. Sure it got me into trouble, but I couldn't stop daydreaming and fantasizing about my future.
Well, here we are. it is the future, to 11 yr. old Katie.
Another thing about me: If I start a task, I will not eat or sleep or kiss my husband until it is complete*. I often find myself even holding my breath.
Well, for the last 7 months, I feel I've been holding my breath.
Husbear and I are trying to start a family, and we've found that it's not nearly as easy as my stupid Health teach made me think it would be. Sure, the "trying" is fun...but even that can get, well, trying.
So here we are, on the eve of our 8th cycle, and I figured I'd start a[nother] blog.
*The tasks mentioned above do NOT include blogging. I am a horrible blogger, but I do love to write. So I'm trying again, so maybe I'll have an outlet for all of the daydreams that fill my mind each day and night. Problem is, the idea of starting a family has become utterly consuming. Each negative test and spot of red is a dagger in my heart. Each flutter and pain in my belly is a sparkle of hope. Every tiny change my body experiences brings paralyzing confusion. Honestly? I need my head back. I have a husband to love and a home to run and a new town to explore and new friends to embrace. I need my head. I need it clear.
So instead of leaving my head in the clouds, I'm going to place my heart up there. I will remain positive and hopeful and optimistic, for the most part. I will let myself have a good cry when it hurts, and yell at the sky when it doesn't make sense, but ultimately I will remind myself that these hands were made to mother, that this heart was made to nurture, and most likely this body was made to grow life. And if later down the road we find out that it was not, that does not mean the first two aren't still true.
I have to stay positive. My heart is in the clouds, and there it will stay. I will have my family one day.

STATS:
-CD27, 14DPO
-Waiting on AF, due CD28 (BFN on 13DPO)